


New start (or the hope for one)

by whtvr



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 19:08:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10905612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whtvr/pseuds/whtvr
Summary: Robert and Aaron come back to Emmerdale after being with Liv, Chas and Sandra in Mauritius. While in their new house Robert confesses after Aaron senses something is wrong. Both men try to find a solution for their issues, so they decide they have to sort their own issues away from each other.





	New start (or the hope for one)

**Author's Note:**

> This is definitely not a happy robron fic. I had this idea today and just had to write it down. This is not what I want to happen nor think will happen.

Aaron looked around their almost finished home and smiled in appreciation of all the little details Robert obviously thought of when decorating the Mill. A sense of belonging went through his body and let out a sigh in familiar relief for a place he, Liv and Robert would be calling home from now on.

\- I wish Liv was here! Aaron said with affection while sitting in the big chair besides the sofa.

\- Me too! She did actually did some work… Well, she mainly tried to boss me around pointing to all the things that still had to be done. But she did good. We’ll send her some pictures after we clear all the boxes.

\- Still can’t see how you two managed to be in the same room, yet alone agree on cushion colours. - Aaron said picking one from the chair.

\- We didn’t! She picked those. Those and the drapes. I let her picked that. It was that or we would have ended up with Little Mix posters all over the place.

Aaron let out a laugh while looking around admiring their new home.

\- Thanks, Robert, for all this. - Aaron said, sincerely playing with the cushion. - You did amazing. Don’t know if I could’ve done it myself.

\- Well, I wanted it to be ready when you got back. Besides, if you were here, we would never agree on anything and we would’ve ended up with just the sofa and a TV.

Aaron chucked again realizing that Robert was probably right.

\- So, are you gonna tell me what’s wrong, then? - Aaron asked after the silence settled in the room.

\- What? Nothing. - Robert fired back, feeling the material on the back of the sofa.

\- Well, you were silent all the way back in the car. You kept driving way below the limit and you didn’t even let me drive for a bit even though we kept stopping in every place imaginable with some weird excuse. Anyone would say you weren’t looking forward to get back.

\- No I didn’t.

-Yeah, you did. So what’s up?

They had been living the past couple of weeks in their own bubble away from the village. But as the day of their coming back approached, Robert was quieter everyday. Aaron knew something was worrying him.

Robert circled around the sofa sat in the middle and looked down to his hands. He wanted to just let it all out, but knew Aaron would never forget. He hoped someday he could at least forgive him, but he knew it wouldn’t happen as fast as he wanted. He knew Aaron would look at him with disappointment and he would never love him again after this.

\- I know you have something you want to tell me. - Aaron pushed bluntly.

Aaron knew it was bad and it was coming. He was trying to assure himself he would never make Robert feel bad for whatever it was. But he had already imagined all the possibilities and scenarios and he couldn’t keep going on like this, not knowing.  
Robert was still sitting silent now playing with his ring. "He never does that" Aaron thought.

\- Come on Robert! Just get it out. I’ve imagined all sorts for the last couple of days and I can’t keep doing this. Trying to figure it out, picturing it my head, all the worst things that could've happened… You can’t keep doing this to me. I don’t want to be that guy, remember?

Robert looked at him, still playing with his ring. When he stopped twisting the ring in his finger, his eyes spoke for him. He tried to open his mouth and let out the words but he fell silent. His mouth moved as to prepare Aaron for what he was going to say, but couldn’t find any words to soften the blow. He knew this was it. That Aaron would never look at him like he always needed. Back when he wasn’t a disappointment, back when their love could keep them strong together. But when Aaron wasn’t around, he was the weak one, not Aaron. “I’m the weak one” the words kept flying around in his mind.  
Robert eyes winced trying to say the words, but his mouth kept shut and his eyes went back down to his finger.

\- Bex. - Was all he managed to say.

Aaron heart and body sank in the chair he was sitting in. This soft new comfortable leather chair he was sitting in. Did Robert chose it? Or was it Liv? Did they agree on it or Robert just ignored her and negotiated with her for the choice of cushions?

Robert looked up at Aaron hoping to read any reaction from him, but Aaron hands on his eyes blocked any possibility of Robert recognizing any of the familiar angry expressions he could always see within a second. But one thing was clear. He didn’t have to say anything more for Aaron to realise what he was dreading to say. He always loved how they could read each other without even speaking, but today he was hating it. Hating the fact that Aaron could see right through him.

He opened his mouth to say the one word he couldn’t keep out of his head, like a cry for help and forgiveness.

\- Aaron? His voice was broken. Eyes tearing up.

His eyes looked at Aaron expecting the shouts, the tears, the disappointment in his husband’s face. Aaron would close his fists to control himself. He always did that when he wanted to just hit someone but wanted to keep some cool. He fought the urge to keep talking, knowing Aaron was still processing it, but the word just kept coming out.

\- You know I’m a disappointment. I will always be a disappointment. To you, to my father, to my sister even to Andy. I thought I could change and be this normal person with you, because I love you... God, I love you... and that should be enough, more than enough.  
But I’m weak. I’m the weak one. I let you down, because for a moment I lost you and I thought I could just keep pretending it wasn’t hurting. But it was… and I just ignored it and when i couldn’t I wanted to hurt you back. Because that’s what I do. I’m selfish… weak and a disappointment.

Silence travelled the distance between them. Aaron mind was a wind whirl of thoughts and images. He had already imagined it all in a matter of seconds. It wasn’t that he wanted to, but he couldn’t keep them out. His heart started to beat faster and his breathing started to overwhelm him. No. He wouldn’t be panicking now. He needed to get a grip. “Not now” he kept thinking. He looked up to the ceiling, took deep breaths and switched the panic button off in his head.

\- Is it yours? - Was all that Aaron said while rubbing his face and leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees, waiting for the answer.

Robert wasn’t able to meet Aaron’s eyes. Instead his face was covered by his hand. Shame and guilt all came at once as he started to sob uncontrollably. The realization that Aaron had already figured it all was even worse than telling him himself.

\- No. - Aaron said with a certainty that even scared himself, standing up in front of the chair he had been sitting. He ran is fingers in one swift movement across his eyes ending it with a wipe of his nose breathing in, like he always did to clear the tears that had started forming.

\- What? Robert looked up stunned at Aaron’s reaction, tears still swelling in his eyes.

\- Right. Let’s not do this like one of those Jeremy Kyle’s shoutouts. I don't want to know the "where" and "how". I doesn't matter.

Robert tried to follow Aaron’s thoughts.

\- Wait, what? We can’t just ignore it. YOU can’t just ignore it… I let you down. I’m sorry... I'm so sorry. - Robert went back to looking at his hands, not able to control the gasps in his chest.

\- You think that’s what I’m doing? - Aaron said almost shouting in a steady and regular voice that Robert couldn’t recognize, aside from the angry tone. - Shall we do it all over again, shall we? This time with words. You reckon it will change anything and make it any better? 

Robert kept silent.

\- I didn’t think so. Anything else I need to know? - Aaron voice was almost surgical. 

\- I’m sorry! Robert just pleaded in an almost inaudible voice.

\- I know! Aaron let out in frustration, like he wanted to feel something different.

\- I knew you would hate me. I deserve it. - Robert let out hiding his face between his hands as he rubbed his temples trying to erase it all from his mind.

\- I love you, Robert. - Aaron said in a calm and steady pace, approaching Robert, resting his palms in his legs while sitting down in the modern wooden coffee table in front of the sofa. He recognized it from the catalogue Robert had brought and remembered the night he commented he liked it when they were sitting in the back of the Woolpack lazily browsing the pages while enjoying a beer.

\- I love you - Aaron continued with soft confident voice - and you are my husband. But we need to find a way to get past this. These issues I have bottling things and lashing out, the doubts you have about yourself. We can’t get better if we keep piling on the pressure. I can’t deal with this with all that I already have and I can’t be here for you when I’m like this. Messed up and falling apart. It’s not fair on you to pick me up everytime. I have to be able to do that for myself. For you. For us. But… 

Aaron stopped trying to find the words to ease the pain in both of them.

\- … but you can’t forgive me. I understand… - Robert interrupted concentrating on Aarons hands in his legs.

\- No. I mean… - Aaron continued looking down to the side, like he was looking for something in the new fluffy carpet perfectly laid on the floor - I think we need to sort ourselves first… and then figure out the rest together. I’m not in a good place, you’re not in a good place. This won’t work if we keep doing the same thing expecting the end result to be different each time.

\- So what are you saying? Robert inquired looking for Aaron’s eyes to meet his.

\- I’m saying that I have my problems… - Aaron eyes met robert’s - and you have yours. And if we don’t sort them, we will always find ourselves back in the same situation. I hurt you and you hurt me, and this will never stop as long we are not sure we can do this. - Aaron’s head shaking from side to side and nodding at the end of each sentence. 

\- You want to break up? Robert’s eyes widened with the realisation of what Aaron was suggesting.

\- No. No I don’t. But maybe we should think about it. 

\- I knew this would break us. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I love you but I keep messing up… because I’m messed up. - Robert buried his hands in his blond hair in frustration.

\- I’m messed up too, you know that. - Aaron’s head tilted up searching for Robert’s face.

\- Why can’t we be normal? Why can I be normal and just make you happy and forget everything else. - Robert cried desperately when he finally looked at Aaron.

\- I want that too. For us. Whatever normal means. 

\- I’m sorry I can’t be the man you need me to be like I promised in our wedding day. - Robert sobbed between the words.

\- I’m sorry too. I promised I would be too, but I wasn’t strong enough when I took the drugs and kept you away. I’m also to blame. - Aaron was strangely calm and clear minded.

\- No. Don’t say that. It is not your fault. I did this. I love you and I should have known you would push me away. I was the one that gave up too fast. - Robert yield again in frustration by his inability to be the man Aaron needed.

\- No Robert. I let you down and pushed you away. I did that too. - Aaron grabbed Robert’s arms and pulled them down from the violent grasp Robert had on his hair.

\- But you were suffering abuse and struggling to survive and what I had going on wasn’t anything close with what you went through. - Robert shook his head violently, as if to remove any more pain for his actions.

\- It’s not about who got it worst. - Aaron cupped Robert’s face to ground him - It’s about dealing with it, no matter how big or small the problem is. And we are both clearly struggling.

\- Please, there has to be another way. We can get through this if we are together. You make me a better person, remember? - Robert eyes were watering in desperation of the mere idea of them being apart.

\- You can’t depend on me forever to be a good person, Robert. And I can’t depend on you forever either. You have been there for me on some of the worst moments of my life, and I will always have that. We will always have that. But it’s time we faced our own demons. 

\- And if I can’t? - Tears fell down Robert’s eyes, red with sadness and fear of failure.

\- You have to try. I have to try it too. Then, when we will both be in a better place for what comes next.

\- So this is it? Robert looked down to his hand twisting the ring in his finger, preparing himself to take it out. Eyes watery again.

\- No. Keep it. - Aaron said grabbing Roberts hand. - I will keep mine too. We are still married, they still mean something us.

\- This is a mess! - Robert breathed out while grabbing back Aaron’s hand - Married and apart. - He let out in utter disappointment.

\- We need to do this. - Aaron placed both hands in Robert’s.

\- Right! - After a few silent moments, said Robert wiping away the tears standing up from the sofa. - I’ll move out. I’ll go to Vic’s.

\- No. I will. - Aaron followed Robert’s movement and stood in front of fim.

\- What you mean? This is your house! - Robert, asked confusingly admiring the clear blue eyes he could now clearly see in front of him.

\- No. - Aaron said calmly and with newfound clarity. - This is OUR house! It will be here for us when I get back. - Aaron’s hands shook Robert’s as a matter of fact.

\- When you get back? What are you saying? - Robert, dropped his hands to his sides, while Aaron looked down now looking at his own empty hands, still feeling the warmth sensation of Robert’s.

\- I can’t be here if we want to make this right. I’d keep seeing you everyday and you would see me. We need space.   
I’ll go back to my mum and Liv in Ireland. It’s better this way.

\- No, Aaron. No way. You don’t have to go away. I’ll go, I’ll get out of the village.

\- Where Robert? You don’t have anywhere to go, besides Vic’s. - Aaron opened waived his arms by his sides clearly signing that there was no other option. - Your family is here…. and you have to sort things with Bex and… the baby… and she’s here - Aaron clearly struggling on the words.

\- I’ll miss you. - Robert said, giving up, grabbing Aaron by his arms and leaning forward until his forehead touched Aaron’s.

\- I know. - Aaron whispered. - Take care of yourself, Mr. Dingle - He said with a faint sad smile.

In that moment Robert wanted to kiss him and feel Aaron mouth against his one last time, but knew it wouldn’t be right.

Aaron broke the embrace apart first and headed to the front door. With his hand in the door handle he turned back to have one last look at their new house. Robert still stood in the middle of the new furnished living room. He took a mental picture of the moment and promised himself this wouldn’t be the last time they would meet here. The realisation came to him that this beautiful house, the one they had built together would remain empty for now. All the planning and their dreams of finally having a place for themselves, postponed indefinitely.

\- Don’t forget to send me those pictures. I want to show them to Liv.

All Robert saw was the smudge of Aaron’s black hoodie behind the stained glass door, and heard the click when the door finally closed.

\- I will. - Robert said to himself, now alone standing in the middle of the empty room. A single tear travelling down his cheek.


End file.
